All men love handjobs. Especially from strangers. It's the new handshake!

Tom's spirit is clearly alive, and inside of you right now.

Best Kinkadian memory: Stumbled into a Kinkade Gallery in Napa Valley for a laugh and some angst, only to be pounced upon by an over-eager Stepford salesperson. She wanted to know my favorite, so I sighed ("so many!") and chose the largest one, hanging above a fake fireplace in the store. It appeared to be an original …

Hey, that was a Shure Vocal Master. Geeky musicians take note.

After transferring to a U.C. or state university, lots of Santa Rosa Junior College students say the same thing — they had a life changing experience there that prepped them well.

On the west coast:

I thought it was Joan Rivers.

Is the author is still slighted that TLC killed his pilot for "Boislandia" — the subcultural equivalent of absolutely nothing? Cacao, mutherfucker.

Gotta' go with "Beans"

'Shmeg' is endearing, in a Yiddish sort of way. And it's ironically non Kosher. In horses, a severe build-up of smegma causes 'beans' — hard balls of the foul smelling matter. Beans would make a nice collective noun...."I tried to get to the free Red Bull table at the Nascar race, but a Bean of Shmegs blocked my way."